Home > Uncategorized > Take me as I am………

Take me as I am………

So I already accept the fact that I’m wired differently. I’ve accepted it. I think it’s about time that I stop apologizing for it. This past weekend after the bachelorette activities me and a friend pretty much got into an agrument regarding dating. She is on one end of the spectrum and I am on the total opposite end. She’s all about striking a man’s ego and catering to him. And I definitely don’t fall under that category. But guess what? I’m okay with that. What works for her is not neccessarily gonna work for me and vice versa? And again. I’m okay with that. The situation that she’s in is a situation that I would never want to be in. But am I telling her that she’s wrong for staying. No. Because it’s her situation with the keyword being her.

She pretty much told me that I was living in a fantasy world. I just politely stated that I don’t want what’s in her world just like I don’t expect for her to want whats in my world. Maybe I am living in a fantasy world thinking someone is going to be interested in me for me. Someone who is willing to take me as I am. And if that is a fantasy than so be it.

People have their percentages of what they value most in a relationship. It’s no suprise that affection is not high on my list. Looking at my parent’s relationship definitely not saying it’s perfect. But I don’t ever recall them being affectionate. Heck, they weren’t even affectionate with us as their children. What I do know is that they’ve been married for 29 years. So obviously what they have going on works for them. I’m not saying it’s wrong or that it’s right but it has worked for them.

Same thing with being expressive with how I feel. It was never a situation where I doubted that anyone in my family every loved me. Even though I never heard it. My family has always been supportive and to me that’s how they’ve demonstrated their love for me. Again I’m not saying that it’s wrong or right but at the end of the day I know that they love me. So even today with my friends even though I’m not walking around like you are my best friend because of xyz. Part of me feels like because I’m right there with them supporting them 100% in all that they do lets them know that. I let my actions speak for me.

I’ve never been an open person. I’m more guarded than anything. Just always have been. Never made a habit of letting people all the way in. Still don’t. However, if you’re patient with me than it’s possible. I’m not asking or expecting someone to wait forever. But I just don’t believe in forcing it. Trying to force your way in will only push me in the opposite direction. I honestly don’t think I put too much faith in people. I feel like people are more than likely gonna let you down so I’d rather not to give them the opportunity and I just stay guarded.

These are just a few snippets of who I am. Perhaps, someone outside of the fantasy world that I’m living in will take me as I am. Especially considering in relationships you’re pretty much supposed to be the opposite of everything I mentioned above. I personally don’t feel as though I’ve ever missed out on any affection, I’ve never felt unloved, or missed out on letting people in with being who I am.

I understand these things can be misinterpreted into me not liking someone that is why I have no problems discussing how I am in the beginning. If you’re someone who seeks an overly affectionate person or a person who is very expressive then obviously that’s not me. It’s not fair to me that you decide to take me on as a project that you think you can change when I’ve already issued my disclaimers in the beginning. Along with my disclaimers I’m not saying I’m going to be like this forever. It’s simply saying initially this is how I am. I know I can be affectionate, I know I can be expressive, and I know I can open up because I’ve done these things before. But I know what it took to get there and it never happened overnight.

The things that I’ve listed above are what makes me me and I’m okay with me being me. Fantasy world and all #thatisall

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. V Renee
    June 25, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Nish I like this entry a lot. Never make apologies for who you are! Like you said, you have to do what works FOR YOU and no one else. When you try to be/do something that doesn’t come natural to you, you may can pretend, but eventually the real you will come out. Besides pretending is for birds. F*ck that. Ha!

  2. ms80sbaby
    June 25, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    @V….Thanks hon……I just got confused real quick mixed with a lil pms’ing and kind of started second guessing myself…..Then I just had to realize that I’m okay living in my own lil fantasy world 🙂 .

    Have a great weekend!!! Don’t celebrate the promotion toooo hard!!!!

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