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I can’t reach the step

It seems like it’s been so long since I wrote on this blog. Last week was a difficult one. The family is still having a hard time adjusting to Aunt Hattie being gone. I don’t want to say that we took her longetivity for granted but this caught us all completely off guard. We’ve being going to the cemetary everyday. On Christmas we all went to the cemetary gathered around her grave and shouted Merry Christmas Aunt Hattie. Even this morning, I had to pass the cemetary on my way out and I blew her a kiss and said til next time. It still hasn’t sunk in. The whole family is still wanting to go through the motions as if she was here. Yesterday, it was so awkward for me to lounge at my parent’s house because I would usually spend Sunday evenings with Aunt Hattie.

We still opted to not tell my great grandmother but we think she can sense it. My great- grandmother really doesn’t say much now and she has good moments. Can’t even say good days. It’s good moments. Sometimes she’ll talk and then sometimes she won’t. And when she talks it’s moreso of a whisper and it’s never sentences. The Saturday after Aunt Hattie passed my great grandmother just said out of the blue. “I can’t reach Hattie’s step”.  My cousin asked her to repeat herself and she said it again. “I can’t reach where Hattie’s at”. Later on that day out of the blue she said “It’s so cold where Hattie at” and she repeated herself. This past week we were all over my grandma’s house and we heard my great grandmother saying something from the bedroom. She first started low and then she said it loud and clear. She called out Hattie. This caught us all by surprise because she usually talks in a whisper and she mentioned her sister’s name loud and clear. I could tell this upset my grandmother. And she said next time she mentions her name we just need to go ahead and tell her the truth. The family was like noooooo. Our reasoning is because we already think that the cancer is too much for my great grandmother to go through and then too we feel like she can sense it without us having to confirm it.

The aunt who was taking care of Aunt Hattie decided to give us all daily devotionals and a monetary gift in her memory. She also presented me with one of Aunt Hattie’s rings. Surprisingly, wearing Aunt Hattie’s ring has provided me with a lot of comfort. Every time I think of her I just look at my ring and smile. 

Keep me and my family in your prayers because we definitely have a long way to go. Aunt Hattie loved to be her youngest sister’s protector and we kind of feel like she’s still protecting and comforting her now. With my great-grandmother saying she can’t reach Hattie’s step I feel like Aunt Hattie is right there waiting for her. We’ve accepted that one of these days my great grandmother is going to be able to reach that step.  We don’t know when that day is coming. But it’s coming and I actually feel better knowing that Aunt Hattie is waiting on her. Everything that has happened is really making me believe that people do have a part in accepting when it’s their time. I’m okay with knowing that Aunt Hattie felt that her work here was done. For all I know, she could have went ahead and let go on account of her sister. In order to reach down and help her up to the step? To coach her on reaching that step? To carry her to that step? I don’t know. But what I do know is that my great grandmother is trying to reach Aunt Hattie’s step and the only steps that Aunt Hattie used recently was the steps on the stairway to heaven.

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